Things that go bump in the night
by ArthurianElayne
Summary: One night on the TARDIS Amelia Pond hears a strange noise...Where is that strange yelping coming from?
1. Things that go bump

The Doctor's companions tended towards the curious. What other sort would be likely to follow a (more than) slightly mad man into a little blue box? A side effect of this is that they always ended up running off to explore when he told them to stay by the TARDIS. He had come to expect this.

On the off-chance he picked up a non-curious soul who did not go running off, odds are he'd find them rocking back and forth on the floor of the TARDIS crying softly to themselves and he'd need to put them back where he'd found them.

So suffice it to say Amelia Pond is very, very curious. Anything that goes bump in the night is bound to attract her attention.

Amy Pond could not sleep. She sighed to herself rolling away from Rory who was fast asleep and drooling slightly into his pillow. She looked up at the familiar ceiling of the TARDIS and the stick on glow-in-the-dark stars and sighed again.

She reached out with her foot to prod Rory, he mumbled incoherently in his sleep.

"Rory" she whispered, "are you awake?" She prodded him with her foot again. "Rory" she whispered again in a sing song voice. "I'm not wearing my nightie..." She quickly divested herself of the aforementioned piece of clothing just in case.

"Rory?" she whispered again in the dark leaning over his sleeping frame. He mumbled again. "Wait...was that in latin?" she muffled her giggle into her hands. It seemed her husband wouldn't be able to help her get to sleep tonight. She sighed. Sometimes Rory slept like the dead. Even if The Doctor crashed the TARDIS in the middle of the night she doubted it would awaken her sleeping husband.

"Well...if you're not going to wake up and ravish me, I might as well get a glass of water." She whispered as she kissed her sleeping husband on the forehead. She slipped back into her nightie and put on her furry bunny slippers.

Amy quietly slipped out of bed and strode down the corridors of the TARDIS. She had just gotten herself a glass of water when she heard something coming from the control room. A large bump-type noise followed by a strange, strangled yelp.

"Doctor?" she called. She strode quietly towards the control room, cursing the fact that her cricket bat was still tucked safely away under the bed. Keeping very close to the wall she quietly crept towards the control room. She could almost peer down the stairs from where she stood. She heard a crash, a thud, and another strangled yelp-

"River!...ah River...your parents are upstairs asleep- you really want to do...what are you doing?" The Doctor was silenced, apparently with another kiss. Amy peered forward just in time to watch The Doctor scramble to his feet towards the control panel with River in hot pursuit.

"Sweetie, bowties may be cool, but this one has simply got to come off." River's voice was low with a sultry lilt to it as she quickly untied his bowtie.

Amy peered forward, River had the Doctor backed up against the control panels, She inched back from the stairs.

"I should take you back to Stormcage River."

"After that lovely evening? All the wine and dancing? 18th Century France? I say it's time I had more to write in this little blue book..."

"But you and I...we don't...you know, do this" The Doctor was swatting River's wandering hands away.

"Don't worry Sweetie, I'll be gentle." River teased.

River lunged at The Doctor again. More strangled yelping, several crashing noises, and the TARDIS veered noticeable off course with several loud bangs and sparks emanating from the machinery. Amy saw a man's shirt fly across the control room, his braces flew across the room and landed right by her feet.

It only then occurred to Amy that she probably shouldn't be watching this. She slipped back along to corridors to see Rory standing befuddled in the hallway.

"RIVER!" The Doctor yelped loudly from the control room. "THOSE ARE MY TROUSERS!"

Rory coughed awkwardly in their bedroom doorway "Is the Doctor...are they?"

"Yup" Amy replied.

"Do you think..." Rory paused awkwardly "maybe we should give him a hand?"

"I don't really fancy getting in the middle of that thanks" Amy responded.

"Well, it can't go on that much longer, can it?"

Twenty minutes later both Ponds lay in bed staring awkwardly up at the ceiling. They didn't know quite what to say, and the awkward silence was continually punctuated by yelps and crashes, as The Doctor, who was now from the sounds of it running around the TARDIS in only his pants, tried to escape River's advances.

"Do you reckon he's going to give in anytime soon?" Amy asked Rory. "I could just shout down.."

"I would have given in by now.."

"Oh I know you would" Amy smirked at her husband. "Didn't take me nearly so long with you, once I decided what I wanted..."

"Actually, I'd only been fantasizing about it for...oh- say 8 years? It was a dream come true for me."

Another yelp, it sounded like they were closer this time. Footsteps in the corridor sounded close now...awfully close.

Rory looked over at his wife. "I think this is going to be a very long night"


	2. Cat and Mouse

Several minutes later there was a very soft rapping at the door. "Pond? Pond are you awake?" The Doctor whispered

"How could I not be with all the banging and yelping..." Amy responded

"Oh- blast, sorry to wake you. I just wanted to say if you've heard any strange noises it's nothing you should worry about, I should get this sorted out on my own, it seems this...um...giant space rabbit has escaped in the TARDIS and River is helping me catch it. No need to wake Rory, Pond. Just go back to sleep...Whoa...HELLO! " The Doctor rambled nervously for a moment, before breaking into a rather athletic run. "It's a rather large rabbit, Pond...and it bites, poisonous to humans I'm afraid- best you stay in there."

Amy heard the familiar whirr of The Doctor's sonic screwdriver, he was locking them in.

After hearing his quickly retreating footsteps followed by "GERONIMO!" And a large splash, Amy tiptoed again to the door.

"Amy-" Rory started warning her..."It's locked...and they might be...all busy and stuff"

Amy pressed a finger to her lips and her ear to the door. Hearing nothing nearby, she lowered herself carefully to the floor, brushing her long ginger hair aside she tried to peer underneath the door all she could see was some satiny-green material, a dress perhaps?. "Rory- you're not going to believe this!"

Amy crawled back into bed and snuggled up to Rory, pulling the covers up to her chin. "There, on the floor, is River's dress." she whispered conspiratorially "Can you picture that? A game of cat and mouse- River chasing the Doctor all over the TARDIS in their skivvies..."

Another yelp punctuated Amy's whisper, followed by a second splash followed by a breathy-"Hello Sweetie!" River's voice echoed slightly through the corridors "Now, now my love, all this flailing is making it quite difficult- but I like a challenge." Another yelp from the doctor echoed through the corridors.

"Actually, I was trying, really trying not to picture anything- could we maybe, you know, get back to sleep?" Rory said twitching in response. He sighed and pressed his face into the pillow.

"Shhh...I'm trying to hear." Amy pressed her finger to Rory's lips.

The sound of more running echoed through the TARDIS' corridors.

BBBBBBBBB

"Amy? I think it's finally stopped..Amy?" Rory whispered to his wife. "Are you asleep? Amy?" Rory reached out across their double bed to find it empty. Rory looked up to find Amy with her ear pressed against their bedroom door.

"Oooh Gandalf..." Amy whispered.

"What?"

"Oh," Amy said "No, that's nothing... I don't hear any more running, or yelping for that matter...It's all gone sort of quiet. Too quiet." She narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"He probably took River back to prison- go to sleep. I'm telling you, The Doctor simply cannot be seduced, he'd implode." Rory yawned. "It's finally quiet, why are you still listening at the door?"

"I just...I want to know, you know?" Amy tried moving her ear to the keyhole.

"Want to know- what? I mean it's The Doctor...I mean he...he can't..." Rory made some strange elaborate gesture with his hands "...Can he?"

"I have to see how it ends. I mean they couldn't be...could they? Do you think she caught him?" Amy was scandalized

"I'm telling you, he must have taken River back to -"

A woman's scream echoed through the corridors of the TARDIS. There was a long awkward pause in the Pond's bedroom. The woman did not sound particularly distressed, in fact she sounded practically gleeful.

"That wasn't the doctor...right, well then." Rory said awkwardly staring up at the ceiling in a long silent pause. Amy snuggled back into bed beside her husband.

"River! OHH! River- blimey...Oh...dear...that's-" there was a rather long pause, a conspiratorial whisper "-am I being too loud?-" He yelled again."...a really really scary giant space rabbit- stay in bed Pond!"

"I mean seriously," Rory looked over at his wife "He cannot possibly believe I'm still asleep..."

Amy rolled her eyes. "Does he really think we're going to believe that all this noise is from a giant space rabbit? I know what that sounds like..."

Rory pulled his pillow up over his ears. He didn't need to hear this...I mean it was The Doctor...some things just shouldn't be allowed to happen.

**Epilogue:**

The Doctor attempted to re-tie his bowtie three times with slightly shaking fingers before getting it correctly on the fourth try. River had just departed the TARDIS, and despite her giving him a rather lengthy cuddle- he still felt rather edgy. Messy human biology indeed. He had been several centuries out of practice, but River had taken the lead- of course. He was always surprised she didn't try to lead when they were dancing. That's why he loved her- she was warm, passionate, clever and impossibly mad.

How would he know that whispering "I love you" in River's ear while they were dancing would light such a fire in her that she'd chase him around the TARDIS for a better part of an hour. Even when it came to seduction,The Doctor had found a way to incorporate running into it.


	3. Dipping Skinny

**Part 3:**

For the next couple of days Amy found that the inside of the TARDIS had never seemed quite so large. Although it was always bigger on the inside, recently it seemed even more so. The Doctor was nearly always occupied elsewhere, and he kept Rory busy helping him repair bits of the TARDIS while sending Amy on several long and wacky wild goose chases about the TARDIS and off of it (usually for food). When pressed as to why parts of the TARDIS were damaged The Doctor's voice got rather high and squeaky and he insisted that it was the exact sort of damage a giant space rabbit might inflict on the TARDIS before abruptly changing the subject or sending them on yet another errand.

Although the days were very busy (and not at all in the fun, usual, running-away-from-monsters way) the nights were strangely quiet.

Less than a week later Rory, getting up for a cold glass of water, was unpleasantly surprised to find the other side of the bed empty and his very curious wife with her ear pressed up against the door.

Amy shushed him quietly with a finger upon her lips. "Just weapons fire, I think." She pouted as she said "He's obviously having some grand adventure while we're up here asleep"

Rory looked quite squicked. "You.." he said pointing "you just want to overhear him and River...you know...doing stuff." He shook his head.

"Shh...I just want him to admit it. Space rabbits my arse..." Amy grumbled while keeping her ear firmly pressed against the door.."

"Amy, come to bed..."

"In a mo-" Amy suddenly scrunched up her face in concentration, shushing her husband with a finger laid upon her lips. Her eyes gleamed with mischief in the dark as she silently cracked open the door. "I think River's here..."

A woman's laugh echoed from the general direction of the control room.

"Amy.." Rory shook a warning finger at his wife...but it was useless..he knew even as he was trying to chastise her back into bed that even the Roman uniform wouldn't work as adequate distraction. He sank back into the pillows as Amy silently crept out the door. Rory sighed with frustration.

Amy slunk quietly along the darkened corridors. She peeked into the control room. The control room was bathed in it's usual golden light.

River and the Doctor were laughing several paces apart. Tonight it seemed they were not at a ball or a party, it looked as though they had come off the better in a fight. While she and Rory had lain in bed, The Doctor and River had been saving some planet or some civilization, or just generally causing trouble somewhere. River set down her gun on the jump seat.

"That was fun" River grinned panting (from running away from the-universe-knows-what) and leaned in to kiss The Doctor (who flailed slightly and seemed jumpy, happy and just generally eager). As they broke away River smiled and seemed rather content just to stand in the light of the TARDIS next to her Doctor.

The Doctor coughed awkwardly as they broke away. "So, are we going to? Like last time? I mean that was amazing..you were.." He made a highly awkward and yet sexual sort of expression "Alright...should I start running and you'll chase me?"

"Chase you, Sweetie?" River seemed puzzled "We just ran through forests for hours, how much more running do you want to do tonight?" River was clearly exhausted. She was sweating through her t-shirt and her jodhpurs seemed to cling even more than usual to her sweaty frame. Her jacket was thrown carelessly over the railing and her hair was wildly curly.

The Doctor paused midway through pacing around the console "No, no no...no...Better idea! This time I'll chase you around the TARDIS...come here you..." He made to grab her in for another kiss, but River's curiosity had been peaked, and she evaded him.

"Well sweetie, I haven't done that one yet, but I suppose I will in the future...what happened?"

"You honestly haven't done that one yet?" The Doctor sounded disappointed, even his bowtie seemed to droop in disappointment.

"Sweetie, don't we do quite enough running already? What's the point of being chased around your own TARDIS?" River seemed exasperated, tired, and just about ready to lie down somewhere.

"That's part of it...you know" The Doctor's voice was barely a whisper now "foreplay.." The Doctor attempted to lean nonchalantly against the console, but he was twitching ever so slightly.

Amy had to bite her own hand to keep herself from laughing she was so doubled over with giggles. Although she feared discovery, her curiosity did not permit her to retreat. Besides their voices were so low, she wouldn't be able to hear them from the next room.

River's eyes at once seem to sparkle and bug out of her head. "Foreplay?" She seemed mystified that such a tactic would be effective. "You mean to say that we...?"

The Doctor blushed crimson and managed to squeak out "Spoilers."

River leaned in closer to the Doctor, snuggling up to him against the console. "I, for one, will be looking forward to that trip."

"So no fun sexy running then?" The Doctor said "I could just take you back to Storm Cage I suppose..." He moved along the console flicking switches.

"Actually Sweetie, it is very, very warm in here, perhaps you should take that jacket off..."

"Is it? I hadn't noticed- it's probably from all the running.." He spun around "I know there is an air-conditioner somewhere around here... River? Do you remember which button it-" He paused, mouth agape as he looked at the vision of (quite sweaty) loveliness before him.

Amy giggled into her hands as she crept back along the corridor. River was clearly in the process of getting down to business.

River had divested herself of her jodhpurs and her shirt and was standing in her knickers, bathed in the light of the TARDIS. The Doctor was slowly turning redder as he took in her state of undress.

"It being so very hot in here...I am going to run down the corridors towards the swimming pool. I dare say I might be wearing even less by the time you get there...and then...well we'll see." She gave him a wicked grin as she slowly backed her way towards the stairs.

Amy backed up with a start...River would be coming in her direction- she bolted as silently as she could back to her door and crept there on the floor-thankfully River had paused at the top of the stairs to unhook her bra- giving Amy enough time to get safely out of the way. Amy heard giggling and running past her closed door. She pressed her ear to the door.

Amy waited until she heard a splash. She heard The Doctor cursing as he sped down the corridor after River. At one point it seemed as though he were hopping on one foot. She waited until the footsteps had retreated someway down the corridor, before opening the door a crack.

On the floor before her lay one of The Doctor's shoes, down a ways his red bowtie and his shirt, and it seemed his trousers as well. On the floor also lay a pair of women's knickers, a pair of braces, and The Doctor's underpants.

'Geronimo!' she heard The Doctor cannonball into the swimming pool. Amy smirked to herself, reached out and grabbed The Doctor's pants.

"Rory!" She whispered excitedly waving the pants around "They're doing it again! River and The Doctor...they-" She stopped as she caught sight of something unexpected in her husband's ears. In Rory's ears were a pair of neon yellow ear plugs as he dozed oblivious to the splashing and gleeful squeals that were echoing down the metal corridors.

Amy paused. She couldn't stand The Doctor's smug superiority that he was above such baser human instincts- particularly when she had heard the evidence the previous night. The Doctor shouldn't be permitted to deny his nights of passion with River, it should be out in the open and able to be mocked by her for at least a week. How could she tease him if he wouldn't admit it? How could they carry on normally if The Doctor kept up this awkward charade of a giant space rabbit? She sat off the bed pants in hand, calmly opened the door and grabbed his bowtie off the floor as she strode silently and assuredly towards the swimming pool.

He couldn't say they were merely skinny-dipping if she caught them _in flagrante delicto._ He was just a bloke, a time-lord bloke, but a bloke and this would prove it once and for all.

As Amy drew closer to the door of the swimming pool she had noticed that the amount of splashing has subsided quite a bit. There were also enough clothes on the floor to guarantee that The Doctor and River were almost certainly completely starkers. They couldn't just be skinny-dipping, could they?

As Amy put her ear to the door she heard a long breathy moan from inside the swimming pool. "Ha...that settles it" Amy said smugly to herself and pants in hand. swung open the door.

DWDWDWDWDWDW

Amy found herself frozen like a statue in the doorway. She had forgotten one little thing; it was completely awkward to catch a mate in the act, and River and The Doctor were definitely not skinny dipping. In the heat of passion, it was several minutes before either River or The Doctor noticed she was there. River was couched upon a pile of towels and all Amy could see was her wildly curly head and River gripped and clutched at the towels.

"Mmm Sweetie..a little to the left-" River moaned.

"Pond!" Doctor looks up from what he was doing with a start "Oh, Pond...this...er...isn't what it looks like..." He quickly moved up River's curvy frame and leaned forward to more completely cover their nakedness. Amy thought that it was exactly what it looked like. He bumbled awkwardly and was likely ruining the entire moment.

River sighed, rolled her eyes, moved her head back enough to make steely-eyed contact and addressed Amy directly. "Mummy dear, would you be so kind as to leave and close the door? Yes, this is exactly what it looks like- now- Get. Out."

Amy squeaked out an incoherent response and exited the door. Of all the things she had been expecting...it was not THAT precisely.

"Now Sweetie..."River purred "Where were we?"


	4. The Morning After

**Part 4**

Amy barely remembered walking the corridors of the TARDIS she was moving so quickly. What had she been expecting walking in on The Doctor like that?

There was the fact that River was technically her daughter of course- but she didn't really feel motherly towards River, there was a disconnect there. Sometimes in her head she caught herself thinking of Mels and River as two different people and it was difficult to reconcile those two people with the baby she had once held in her arms.

She quickly returned to her room. She paused leaning back against her closed bedroom door to catch her breath. She noticed on the bedside table a handwritten note and a pair of neon pink earplugs had been left for her by Rory.

Rory himself was peacefully sleeping. Amy crawled into bed beside him, but left the earplugs where they were. She sighed snuggling up to her sleeping husband. At the very least there was no way The Doctor could get out of this one. After what she'd seen he couldn't possibly deny the nature of his relationship with River Song.

DWDWDWDWDW

Rory, oblivious to the previous night's going-ons, was eating a bit of breakfast while poking around the control room.

The Doctor had appeared in the control room nearly a quarter of an hour later than Rory did. This was unusual- but Rory was not particularly concerned. It was somewhat strange, however, that The Doctor was clad in what appeared to be a TARDIS blue dressing gown and had a very bad case of bed-head.

"Good morning Doctor, did you- umm sleep well?" Rory asked. It was highly unusual that The Doctor had been sleeping while they were.

"Yes-of course- sleep, I did sleep. I do- now and again, when I'm very tired." The Doctor answered while munching on a croissant.

"Have a busy night? You must have been knackered."

"What? Me? No- oh no...what makes you say that?" The Doctor seemed a bit jumpy he flipped a few switches one-handed just to appear busy.

"Oh- Just heard some weapons fire before bed. Thought you might have been running for your life more than usual- but I guess that's just an average Tuesday for you." Rory shrugged.

"Tuesday? Is it Tuesday? I've always liked Tuesdays." The Doctor seemed somewhat absentminded in his response. But once again this was nothing strange.

Looking up he saw Amy enter the control room rubbing her eyes sleepily and holding a mug of tea. He blushed slightly- and it had absolutely nothing to do with a short skirt this time. Amy didn't appear to have the decency to blush upon spotting The Doctor.

"Busy night- I'd say" Amy murmured under her breath. "So...Doctor- have a good night last night?" Amy shimmied suggestively, but The Doctor didn't seem to notice.

"Yes- my night was fine. Thank you. Good morning to you too Pond." The Doctor appeared to have regained his missing composure.

"Anything _else _you'd like to say to me?" Amy gave The Doctor a very significant look.

Rory looked highly uncomfortable, "Well...maybe I should- just go and..."

"Don't be silly Rory, your wife simply...erm...walked in on me...removing venom from a very nasty bite on River Song's leg- misinterpreted the entire thing."

"Oh..I know what I saw and it wasn't a..." Amy insisted.

"Amy-" Rory interrupted hurriedly, " if the Doctor says he was removing venom from a bite, he was removing venom from a bite- let it go." Rory put his hands on his wife's shoulders.

"You didn't see them last night Rory- River was _moaning_-" Amy did a very theatrical moan for effect.

"Bites can be very painful Pond-" The Doctor said dismissively.

"See, Amy? There's always a perfectly reasonable explanation.."

"Oh please!" Amy snorted, "You were up to your neck in River's legs!"

"The bite was on River's inner thigh" He said in a matter of fact manner. "It's not all about sex Pond. Seriously you humans see sex everywhere. It's like reproduction takes up nearly half of your brain capacity at all times..." He rambled on incoherently for a bit.

"Amy-" Rory started reasonably, "if he was sucking venom out of a bite- where else would his head be?"

A long awkward silence followed as Rory was left to ponder what his wife said.

It was at that precise moment that River Song was coming down the stairs in another dressing gown. "Bite? Who bites? Goodmorning Sweetie." River kissed The Doctor affectionately on the cheek.

The Ponds were surprised that River was still aboard the TARDIS. The Doctor leaped in to fill the silence.

"Just wondering how you were feeling dear, after the bite you had last night." He held his hand to her forehead as if to gauge her temperature.

"Bite? I'd hardly call that a bite." River flashed him a naughty grin.

"It's the venom, remember dear? That venomous bite?" He held out her wrist and made a display of checking her pulse while giving River a very significant look.

"I can't say I do...it must be some terrible amnesia then." River cocked her head to the side playfully. "Actually- do you think it's serious, perhaps you'd better come look at it?" River was surreptitiously running her hands down along The Doctor's back and squeezing his buttocks.

Rory shook his head as if to clear it. This was quite obviously flirting...but he didn't want to picture...well...that. "I'm just going to go-and...well go." Rory hastily made his exit there were many rooms on the TARDIS and he did not have to be in this one. Amy remained there staring with her mouth slightly agape.

"Not to worry dear, I'm a doctor. Right, well- Pond. I have to get River back to bed immediately." The Doctor said steering River away from Amy and back up the stairs.

"Oh I get it...you two are off to play 'doctor'" Amy made a vulgar gesture.

At the top of the stairs The Doctor paused. "Pond?" he said turning around "Mind your own business."


End file.
